Here’s the funny story I promised y’all last week.
I avoid places like Walmart, Target, and Costco like the plague on weekends. I go during the week even if it’s midnight. I refuse to go on the weekends because it’s always so crowded and crazy it just brings out the worst in me. So, unless there is a dire need…
Well, the dire need came this past weekend. In an effort to contain the crazy, I went to the nicest Walmart in the country. No, I’m not kidding. One of the Walmarts near me is like the nicest Walmart you’ve ever seen. The cart corrals outside are made of stone. The store itself is made of brick. They built the store around an ancient oak tree which makes a little courtyard in the front. Seriously, you’d never know this place was a Walmart until you see the sign. I typically have no problem going to this store. It’s clean and well stocked. Even on a Saturday, it’s an above average experience, until this past Saturday.
I’m walking out of the exit furthest from the street entrance to the parking lot. I’m pushing the cart and my 13-year-old son was walking beside me. Nothing is coming as we walk out of the store. As I step onto the pavement of front drive, a car turns into the parking lot from the street and floorboards it. It was almost as if either something was after the car, or the accelerator jammed or the driver was trying to see if you actually got points for hitting pedestrians. When I realized how fast the car was going, my son and I ran to a nearby handicapped parking spot barely making it in before the car hit us. It was in that moment that I lost my mind. I yelled ‘stay here’ to my son and I ran toward this car. Let me paint a picture in your mind’s eye. I didn’t just lightly jog in my yoga pants. No sir, I ran. I ran like Forrest Gump, knees to chest, in a teal green puffer jacket and brown high heeled boots after the offending car. Apparently, the driver saw me running in her rearview because she stopped the car for a second. I yelled, “Slow down asshole you nearly ran over me and my kid.” At this juncture, she turned left into a parking aisle and sped away. I didn’t get the license plate number to report to authorities, which makes me mad. For a millisecond, I thought about continuing to run after the car, snatch the woman from the seat and beat the crap out of her. Then I remembered a few things:
- I’m at Walmart and everyone in the world has a phone – i.e. People of Walmart.
- Getting arrested for beating the crap out of someone in the Walmart parking lot is so cliche trashy.
- I look horrible in horizontal stripes and orange.
- This probably wasn’t my finest parenting moment.
So, I stopped and walked back to my kid. Standing beside him was an old man who apparently saw the whole thing. He asked after us, we told him we were fine and walked to the car. My son was uncharacteristically quiet as we unloaded the cart of groceries into the car and I raged on the idiocy of people and why I hate stores on the weekends. As we got in the car my son finally speaks and proclaims in the most earnest, awestruck voice you’ve ever heard, “Mom, I didn’t know you could run that fast. And, in heels! Wow.” I just lost it. It was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I told him to never underestimate your Mother. And, furthermore, never underestimate a Mom who believes her child may have been put in danger. If you poke the Mama Bear, be ready for the claws.