Beware of Old Ladies

28911a13b78de54a8c8c2bc3f32fb245I don’t plan to get old. I’m fighting it pretty much kicking and screaming. In all seriousness, longevity genes do not run in my family. My Mother was 45 when she died and her Father was 55 when he died. Although I know they had risk factors I don’t have, it’s still unnerving to look at how old they were and realize how old I am and think, ‘Damn, I may only have a few good years left.’ It is that thought that makes me fight getting old. It also helps that I’m a big kid in an adult human suit.

In contemplating old age, I have made a bucket list.  I also have a mental list of things I have to start doing should I make it to 80. For example, if I make it to 80, I’m going to take up smoking – bonus points if they’ve outlawed cigarettes by then.  I plan to be very ostentatious and obnoxious about it. I’m gonna get me one of those long cigarette holders like Morticia Addams.  I’m going to wave it around and gesture with it. I’ll leave my ashes everywhere and not clean up after myself.  I’ll even light up in places where you’re not allowed to smoke. What are they going to do to me for breaking the rules?  Kick me out?  Bodily throw an 80 year old lady out of a place of business?  It will be awesome.  I can’t wait.  I’ll probably take up skydiving as well. I’ve got big plans.  However, I know I can’t be the only person who feels like getting old might be a good time to thumb my nose at the universe.

So, when I get the following text from one of my besties I knew two things – my spirit animal exists and I am not the only person in the universe that has weird things happening to them.

Friend: I’m at JC Penney digging through the clearance racks when I notice I’m blocking a little old lady (like 80+) looking at the clothes. So, I say, “I’m sorry. Let me get out of your way.”

Old Lady: “Oh, it’s alright, sweetheart. I’m just over here shoplifting.”

My friend: Smile and a nervous laugh

Old Lady: “I’m telling ya they never suspect a sweet old lady and at my age, I gotta keep it interesting.”

My friend was stunned.  I was in awe.  How fantastic is that?  While I don’t want to become a felon, I admire that old lady’s spunk.  She probably really does feel like she only has a few years left in her so why not burn that candle.  I’m with her.  At that age, why not, put me in jail at least I get three meals a day I don’t have to cook and I get medical care.  Let my kids sort out my crap and claim the body when I die. It’s kinda brilliant. You wanta know what else is crazy?  This is not unheard of thinking.  Japanese prisons are bursting at the seams with old ladies.  Don’t believe?  Read it here from a real news source.  As I see it, I’m just planning ahead.

Photo credit:  This photo has been floating around the internet for years with about 1,000 memes attached to it.  I just did a google search old lady drinking at the gym.  This is what I found. No copyright infringement intended. If this is your photo, I will kindly give you props. Otherwise, I aspire to be the old lady at the gym day drinking.


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