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The Gift of Walmart

If you look hard enough and keep an open mind, you’ll find the Universe/God/Whatever you call it will periodically give you a gift. That gift can be something motivational or an actual tangible gift.  Today’s gift from the Universe was my shopping trip to Walmart.  I know, I know, it seems so unlikely. I mean come on Walmart? Yes, Walmart. The things I witnessed there today was the spark of inspiration I needed for this week’s blog.

As I entered the store my ears were accosted by Blake Shelton singing Christmas carols as well as a big ole sign reading 42 days until Christmas. We haven’t even eaten the bird yet folks! Can we just cool our tits? I get it; you need to have the place decorated for Black Friday.  Okay, fine, but at least hold off on Blake Shelton singing I’ll be Home fimg_1984.jpgor Christmas until you open for Black Friday.  So, I get by that sign without having a panic attack and I see the seasonal section.  It’s pretty much just toys and front and center is the monstrosity I have pictured here. What is up Hasbro and Goliath games that you have to make games about dog shit, exploding pigs and boogers in noses?!  When my kids asked for the Doggy Doo game a couple of years ago I genuinely gave them two Walmart bags and a pair of rubber gloves. Our dog makes plenty of turds they can go pick up.  And, if they sing Spoon Full of Sugar like Mary Poppins it will be a game.  Ironically, this particular game was already marked down to 12.98 from 19.99.  Walmart already knows they will be shipping the majority of this crap back to Hasbro or putting it on the clearance aisle once Christmas is over.

After that ridicululousness, I began to get the items I came for.  I need work out leggings but cannot find any that don’t have weird lace/mesh panels.  No one wants to see 40 year old cellulite in Zumba people. Just like Target, Walmart failed me on this front.   But,  I was ecstatic to find Bluebell Ice Cream brought back the Christmas Cookie flavor.  I didn’t get any last year because Bluebell’s production team didn’t bring their A game and failed to produce enough so stores were sold out in like two weeks.
img_1987Then I find this little gem in the soup aisle. A lady caught me taking this picture and walked right up to me to inspect the situation. I looked her right in the eye and said, “Cream of Bacon sounds weird but I swear it’s also the most fabulous thing I’ve seen all day.” She proceeded to legit laugh out loud, told me I made her day and grabbed a can. Well, I guess I did my good deed for the day.

 

Next, I’m getting a pie crust because really who makes their own when I find these festive treats. img_1988Now, I’m about to get controversial. I hate Buddy the Elf with every fiber of my being.  I seriously want to throat punch him. He’s annoying. But, I know loads of people just think he’s the most adorable thing on the planet. And, I totally turn into Buddy the Elf my own self when anyone mentions Disney parks so I guess I need to cut Buddy some slack. I was like okay gotta take picture of these suckers cause everyone I know, except me, will want these cookies.

Finally, I get to the checkout. I expect to find one or two lanes open but no there’s like 8. Again, another gift from the Universe or maybe just a Thanksgiving miracle. And, then it happens, the obligatory person in pajama pants and house slippers schleps up behind me in line.  I swear my trip felt complete.

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