I have a distinct memory of being on my red swing set in my grandmother’s back yard shortly after the last summer vacation I would have until I became an adult. I was five and about to start Kindergarten. I was day dreaming about going to school but instead of heading off to the elementary school a few miles from my house, I was daydreaming about starting school in Florida. I remember this daydream because it was my favorite one.  It’s the one I’d often revisit when I was sad or in winter when I thought the days of cold, gray skies would never end.  I would close my eyes and imagine walking down 30A to go to a bus stop. I could see in my minds eye the white sugar sand at the edge of the blacktop road. I would imagine walking in that sand right next to the grass. If I tried hard enough I could remember the faint smell of Coppertone and Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil. I imagined if I lived there I would get home from school every afternoon and instead of running to my trusty swing set I would instead head to the beach and play in the ocean.

As I have gotten older my daydream has shifted. I dream of a cute but very humble cinderblock shack across the street or maybe one street over from the beach. Something close enough that I can open my bedroom window and be lulled to sleep by the sounds of waves crashing on the beach. I’d have a shitty job at a souvenir shop or maybe CVS, making just enough money to cover the absolute basics expenses. I might or might not have a car – maybe just a moped or bike. When I wasn’t doing the things I had to do like working, eating, and sleeping, I would be on the beach.

I don’t know if this daydream will ever become a reality or if it will just remain a daydream for the rest of my life. I’d like to think one day it will happen but as recent weeks have shown there’s just no way to truly plan as some things are just out of our hands.  Still, it’s nice to have to goal, a dream, a hope. 

Photo Credit: Probably my Mom. This is me on that last trip. 

I had a realization today. Do y’all remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about being stalked by cardinal birds?  Well, ever since that post went live I have not seen another cardinal on my daily walks. Not. One. Cardinal. I’ve seen blue jays and robins. I’ve seen tiny finches and other birds that I don’t even know their names.  Hell, I even saw a few vultures eating what appeared to be some squirrel roadkill but not one cardinal.  I find that very strange and I’m not sure what to make of it.

Additionally, some of you will remember Phyllis and George the Mallard duck pair. They seemed to have gone away sometime in May.  We finally got the pool clean and ready for swimming and the pump broke, so we fixed it and then it broke again. When it was finally fixed, here comes Phyllis and George. Poor Phyllis, I think she’s a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic because right around Memorial day she laid her eggs either in the water or on the deck and they rolled into the water.  She left and we thought she was gone for good. It would make sense that they would migrate by now because it’s hot as Satan’s armpit.  Nope, a couple of nights ago they landed gracefully into the pool while we were eating dinner.  I calmly walked out and told them they could hang out in the yard but not in our pool.  They have tried to come a few times but mostly the cycle is they land, we come out and tell them to get out of the pool and they fly off before they can poop in the pool.  We’ll see how much longer this goes on.

Photo credit: Skitterphoto on Pexels

I am being stalked by Cardinalis cardinalis aka the Northern cardinal. Okay, well maybe stalked is a bit of an exaggeration but not much. For months every time I go on a walk or look out my back window there’s a cardinal looking at me. And, I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit creeped out/freaked out by it. 

It’s gotten so ridiculous even a girlfriend mentioned it one day when were one of our walks.  She said, “I wonder if that bird is here for me or you.” I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at her.  I couldn’t believe she believed in the legend of cardinals too.

For those who are completely in the weeds, not knowing what I’m talking about, cardinals are believed to be spirit messengers. The word cardinal comes from the Latin word cardo, meaning hinge or axis. Which leads me back to what my friend said, I wonder which one of us that bird trying give a message.

I haven’t asked my friend if she’s being stalked when she goes on her solo runs or if she sees the birds in her back yard too. I ought to ask her.  In the meantime, does anyone know how to speak Cardinal and do you believe in the whole cardinals as messengers thing?

Photo Credit: Josh Fackler on Pexels.com

I have a vivid memory of waking up early to sit on my grandmother’s pea soup green Naugahyde couch so I could watch the first shuttle launch in April of 1981. I was six years old. My Grandmother believed if God had intended for man to fly he’d give us wings. I knew better. I knew he’d give us the brains to get there and I wanted to go. When I was 6 years old I still believed I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t yet know I absolutely sucked at math or that I’d fail algebra twice and just get through geometry by the skin of my teeth. I genuinely believed if I wanted it bad enough I could be an astronaut too one day.

A few years later, in January 1986, I happened to be home on a snow day. Of course, I was watching the first teacher in space take off on the ill-fated Challenger. It broke my heart when it exploded a few seconds into its flight. I remember not only feeling sad for the loss of life but fearful the program would be over. When the program did get scrapped in 2011 I was sad but not surprised. The Space program costs a lot of money. And, like most government entities it was full of pork and ridiculousness. My brother in law, an honest to goodness rocket scientist, worked for a Nasa contractor when it all went down. The stories he used to tell of the way Nasa was run, the inflexibility of the program, etc. why it’s no wonder the program ended.  It’s hard to make history and be innovative if you aren’t willing to take risks and think outside the box. 

Today, Space X in collaboration with NASA is launching a manned rocket into space again. It’s groundbreaking because NASA made a deal with weird AF Elon Musk and purchased passage from a private space exploration company instead of building their own rocket. I’ve been watching the preparations off and on since about noon today. In fact, I had live coverage blaring in the background as I was writing this today. And, I just heard the flight is being rescheduled due to weather. It will take place this Saturday, May 30.  I know what I’ll be doing on Saturday. I just wish I could be in Florida to watch.

Photo Credit: Space X free on Pexels. 

At least once or twice a year I come across some article written by some person with a host of letters behind their name claiming ADD/ADHD is made up, not real and just another way for drug manufacturers to bilk us of money.  To say these articles piss me off would be a gross understatement.  Imagine Hugh Jackman as Wolverine when he busts his claws out.  Yeah, now you’re getting how I feel about those articles. But, before I get myself all worked up, let me talk more about why it gets me worked up.

Almost everyone who knows me, knows I have ADHD. I have never made it a secret and I often poke fun at myself for my disorder.  I have had it since childhood although I wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was an adult. As a kid, I was the wild, impulsive, talkative, smart but bad kid. I was super disruptive and a little combative. I had cute on my side but that only took me so far.  Most of the time it ended with me being grounded (rarely) or with a spanking (typical).  As I got older,  I developed some coping mechanisms and I naturally possess some personality traits that enable me to help cope better than others but my symptoms were always the elephant in the room.  Even though the condition ADD and ADHD has been used since the early 1900s – yes you read that right the early 1900s. It didn’t get a lot of attention until the 1980s and then it was generally your completely over the top out of control cases and almost 100% of the cases were boys.  For the longest time experts thought only boys could have ADD or ADHD.

Fast forward to the 2000s and everyone you know is on some kind of medicine for their brains.  Everyone knows someone who takes medicine or has a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, bipolar, ocd, autism spectrum, etc.  For some reason, no one blinks when all those other issues are treated with medicine but the minute you mention medicine for ADHD half the people in the room will break out their armchair quarterback medical license. So yeah, I get a little Wolverine about it. Imagine if you will that your brain is constantly saying the following when someone is speaking to you.

Ah, yes cool topic. Okay, okay I’m following you. Oh that reminds me of something. Wait your turn, wait your turn, focus, listen, don’t interrupt, wait your turn, focus, don’t interup, wait what were they saying I stopped listening to think about something else, oh my gosh what are they talking about now, I must have zoned out.

Yeah, that’s my brain nearly every time someone speaks to me. It’s frustrating for both the speaker and me.

People are really hating being away from others right now.  I can’t say it’s bothering me that much. My brain doesn’t have to deal with as many people in my head.  Incidentally, I wonder if I start doing what that lady in the picture is doing if people would stop talking until I get my thoughts in order.

P.S.  I kinda took the lazy route this week. I’ve had the bones of this entry for a while. I have something else brewing but I’m finding a hard time organizing my thoughts.  Pretty hilarious sense this is all about my brain working differently.

Photo Credit: Atul Choudhary on Pexels.com.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about changes. In nearly the blink of an eye, our lives have completely changed. We are working and schooling at home.  We are cooking, cleaning and doing our own yard work instead of hiring it out.  We have resorted to cutting our own hair.  Frivolous spending has drastically dropped off.  We are faced with shortages at stores either due to demand or due to genuine shortages in the food delivery systems.  Up until March, the only people you saw taking a walk in the middle of the day were fitness nuts and old people. It all happened so quickly yet right now things aren’t too different from the life of our grandparents and great grandparents lived.

Less than 100 years ago no one used to work out. We got our workouts from walking places instead of driving. Our work consisted of more manual/physical labor and less sitting around.  Our food availability was not as streamlined and interconnect as it is now – much to our detriment in this pandemic.  People were skinnier.  If your garden or farm didn’t grow, you didn’t eat. If you were out of a job you didn’t eat. There was no government welfare system. There were soup kitchens and poor houses but no one was getting three square meals a day.  It was just enough to keep you from starving.  We didn’t see a therapist or talk about our feelings.  We didn’t have as many diagnoses.  People just died.  We didn’t have less cancer or less autism we just didn’t diagnose. Well, John just up and died yesterday he’d been looking bad for 3 months oh well.  Pets lived outside and ate scraps. Now there are people on the internet asking about daycare and enrichment programs for their pets. True story, I saw a lady asking about enrichment programs for her corgi on our neighborhood Facebook group right before this pandemic hit.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  There are still children out there with crack head mommas that can’t bother to feed them and yet some bougie ass lady is worried about her dog.

Now that we’ve pretty much been stripped of everything non-essential and for God only knows how long, I wonder what we will keep and what we will let fade away when this pandemic is but a horrible memory.  Will more schools be held online? What about work? We’ve proven that so much can be done at home. What about the people everyone used to ignore – the grocery store and warehouse workers – the ones keeping the wheels turning right now. Will they get paid more and be shown a little more appreciation?  Now that folks see that life does exist outside of being busy all the time will they slow down? Or, will we be forced to slow down because of economic restrictions?  With so many people laid off will life change because no one can afford to do anything? It will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Personally, I wish I had a crystal ball. All of the uncertainty is making me anxious. I’ve realized it’s not the change that bothers me. It’s the fear of the unknown. Will the change be a good change? A tolerable change? Or, will the change be something we have to grit our teeth and slug through to get to the good outcome?

Photo Credit: Free from Pixbay on Pixels. 

Well, folks, we got nothing but time these days, am I right? For the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a home improvement project keeping me busy. Those projects are now finished.  This week I forgot my normal posting day was yesterday and didn’t write a thing. I’m feeling a little disjointed and not focused. I’m having trouble sleeping. I think its stress of sorts although my life isn’t too stressful at the moment. I think I’m stressed from watching the news and hearing about all of these closings, restrictions, loss of lives and jobs. I feel like I need to be informed but right now everything looks so bleak.  It doesn’t help that it has rained so much here we can practically swim in our grass.

I had to go to the grocery yesterday. I wore a homemade mask made from a bandana and two hair ties. Here’s the video from Youtube. A fellow shopper (not wearing any PPE) saw me in my homemade mask. She rolled her eyes, made a loud hmmp sound, and started to whisper something to her adult daughter who was shopping with her.  I responded with, “Keep talking bitch, I’m not getting the corona.”  I doubt she heard me from behind my mask but I felt better. Plus, I looked like a bandit with my red bandana so the joke is on her. Yes, in some ways I feel I am devolving. But, then again, I find I don’t really care.

Gwyneth Paltrow said something recently about how with all this time on our hands we need to be learning a new language or writing a book.  Well, this old dog is learning new tricks. It’s call Zoom. I have had three Zoom meetings this week. One was me and my boss trying to figure out how to use it.  They’ve all been fun because they’ve also included wine or some other adult beverage. I also made the quarantini out of vodka and Emergen-C.  Yes, I know the Emergen-C company said don’t do this. I’m a rebel and I don’t care.  Furthermore, this blog is as close as a book as I can get right now. So, take that Paltrow.  I’ve also started bird watching. Which is really weird because I’m not a bird fan.  However, a mallard drake and his hen keep showing up in my back yard and I can’t help but watch them.  I have named them Phyllis and George. Above is a picture of them feeding my super soupy back yard.

Yes, friends, this is what our life looks like right now. It won’t be like this forever which is a blessing. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the other side of the curve looks like.

We’ve been inundated with speeches this last week. First, we had President Trump’s State of the Union speech last Tuesday, February 4.  We also had his speech at the National Prayer breakfast two days later.  We’ve had numerous grandstands with the Iowa caucus bru-ha-ha and the New Hampshire caucus last night.  Plus, we’ve had another debate in preparation for the New Hampshire caucus. And, finally, we had a whole night of speeches at the Oscars.  All of those speeches I just talked about were very scripted in that the person delivering the speeches knew exactly what they were going to say when called on.

Of course, we all expect these things to be scripted but the thing that bothers me is the debate speeches.  No, I’m not some naive babe in the woods type. I know those candidates must have some canned answers but sometimes it feels like the whole thing is a canned statement. Almost like a press conference where the PR people have told the talking head, “Hey man just keep repeating this phrase over and over no matter what they ask.  If pushed, just reword our key phrase and just keep on trucking.” Back in the B.C. (before children), when I did work in public relations that was exactly the type of thing we’d tell our figurehead when at a press conference. We didn’t want the press asking too many pointed questions and having the talking head going off-script thus making more work for us in the damage control department.

It’s funny, maybe it’s always been like this but I’ve been noticing how everything seems so curated and staged these days. Family, friends, even casual acquaintances have social media posts that seem so staged and contrived.  Look at me at this fancy work thing, see me picking up trash at the beach (just doing my part for the environment), see how hard I hustle. It’s not just the selfies but also the words.  Personal interactions aren’t much better. The bragging about CrossFit and who has the most ridiculous after school schedule is just absurd. The other night a friend texted that they were at a band concert and the lady next to them was snapping pictures and uploading it to Facebook whilst doing the humble brag about their kid being in the honors band.  The school doesn’t even have an honor band program.  It’s keeping up with the Jones’s on steroids. The one-upmanship is out of control.

Despite many years in PR, I find that even though I can write this drivel for others, I cannot craft a speech or image for myself.  I am way too what you see is what you get and it cannot be helped. This blog and my big mouth are about as close to a speech as I get. And, if you know me in real life you know I just spew it out without a whole lot of thought.  I’d love to know the logic behind the social media crafters. Is it attention seeking? Is it poor self esteem and the need for validation? Is this the new currency – instead of flashy cars and vacation homes you show how well you’re doing online? I’m genuinely curious to know how these people tick. Too bad we can’t don a pith helmet and hide behind some bushes and film these folks in their natural habitat like Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. I fear it wouldn’t be too exciting. It would just be some random person looking down at a phone. Boring!

Photo by Irina Anastasiu on Pexels.com

I’m not a sports fan – like not at all. Over the years my kids have played nearly every competitive sport known to man but I have never been a fan. I wanted my kids to run around, get exercise and work out their competitive streaks. Having said that, I know who Kobe Bryant is and this crash has me shook. The boys I grew up with in high school were heavy into basketball.  I remember when Michael Jordan and Shaq where kings and Kobe was the new kid. He is not that much younger than me.  It’s hard when someone in your age group perishes so suddenly.  But, it’s not just his age that has me shook. No, it’s all the other things.

It was just released today that not only was Kobe and his 13 year old daughter, Gianna, killed but also a couple of Gianna’s teammates and some of their parents and coaches as well as the pilot. They were going to a travel basketball event.  Many of my friends and family members do travel sports with their kids. I took care of my boss’s dogs this past weekend because her three kids were all at travel ballgames and she would be away from her house for over 12 hours. The same could have happened to my boss, or my cousin or my brother and sister in law all of whom were gone to ballgames this weekend. That hit hard.

Also, I too, have a 13 year old daughter. The thought of losing her to some freak accident makes my stomach churn.  Gianna’s mother had no idea she was saying goodbye to her baby girl for the last time that day. The thought of that alone just wrecks me. One should never have to bury a child yet it happens every day.

Then, I remembered Kobe was not only married but also had other children at home. And, the other people on board also left family behind. I can’t imagine going about your day and then all of the sudden half of your family is dead. At some point, we all bury a family member but thankful it’s usually due to a tragedy like what happened yesterday.  I can’t imagine what those left behind are feeling right now. The pain, the grief, the holding it together for your surviving family especially when the survivors are children and are having a hard time processing their grief as well. My heart goes to all of those left behind. I pray I and whoever is reading this never have to endure that type of heartache.

We say ‘hug your family a little closer’ when this kind of thing happens.  It sounds trite but it’s true. One never knows when the last goodbye will come. So, hug those closest to you a little tighter the next time you see them.