Random, Weird

Attack Bird

img_1654It’s been a while since I had one of those totally weird things happen to me but this one is just – wow. On the way to the high school where my son does sports camp, there is a stretch of road with about 6 mini farms of about 3-5 acres each. There are signs along the street that say peacock crossing. I’ve always seen the signs but rarely ever seen a peacock in the area. Apparently, I was not coming during the right time of day because for the last two days right around dusk these peacocks have been large and in charge. And, they must know about the signs because they will straight up walk out in the middle of the road in front of a moving vehicle. They have no shame.

Monday night a whole flock started across the road when I was about 50 yards from them. I had time to stop and slow down to allow them to pass but I swear the last one in the group gave me the side eye. I swear I was waiting for it to come bang on the hood like Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy and scream, “I’m walking here.”  I sent a text to a girlfriend or two asking if I should let my inner southern redneck shine and just run over it and bring it home for dinner. We even pondered if the meat would be white or dark and if it would taste gamey. I resisted the urge to mow it down. Last night, I came through at a similar time and I’ll be damned if those peacocks didn’t wait until the car in front of mine was right on them to start strutting out into the road. They were just hanging around, loitering, bold as brass waiting on cars to pass. And, they did not get in a hurry to cross.  Those damn birds sashayed across that street like they had all the time in the world and nowhere to be.  I wonder what they would have done if I had yelled, “Knees to chins y’all! We ain’t got all day.”

Personally,  I don’t know how I feel about these birds. On the one hand I just want to rev my engine and ram one but on the other hand, I don’t want to kill someone’s treasured pet or screw up the front end of my car. What a conundrum. But, I’d be willing to bet they taste just like chicken.

P.S. If anyone has any information on peacocks – how they taste, how they behave, anything I’m wildly curious and don’t feel like looking it up on “The Google”.

Photo credit:  My kid took the photo while hanging out the window with us driving slow. Damn thing was probably going to charge the car had I slowed down any more to get a clearer picture.

 

 

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Musing, Random

Grown Up Crush

erik estaraDo you remember your first celebrity crush? Mine was Erik Estrada. He played Paunch on the 1970s cop show, CHiPS.  I was four and completely obsessed.  One time I threw an epic fit in the middle of a store over a poster of him. He was wearing a gold lamé speedo, a 1,000 watt smile and nothing else. The incident went down like this. I was scream-begging at the top of my lungs for said poster of a half-dressed man old enough to be my father while simultaneously ratting my mother out to the masses about her Elvis poster on her closet door. She was screaming back at me about how inaproriate it would be for me to have said poster. She would later drag me out of the store and give me the beating of a lifetime for acting like a dumbass in public. To this day I still say that beating was worth it even though I didn’t get my poster. I made my point, stood my ground and fought the good fight.

Fast forward 10 years and my walls are lined with Teen Beat pages.  Can you guess who I had on my walls?  Let me think.  River Phoenix for sure. Kurt Cameron. Kieffer Sutherland even though he was old. Definitely Rob Lowe and Tom Cruise. Yeah, they were old too but they were hot.  My 13-year-old girlfriends and I were just SO sure at some juncture we would move to L.A. and meet one of these dreamboats and they would magically fall in love with us.  Ah, the delusions of youth.

Now, my girlfriends and I are well and truly middle-aged and to my knowledge, none of us ever met and fell in love with a teen heartthrob. Although, one girl did marry a guy that had a hit country song. Does that even count?  But, I admit I still have a few celebrity crushes.  No, I don’t have pictures on my wall.  I may or may not have a Pintrest board labeled eye candy –  you know for inspiration when times are hard.  The funniest thing about being a grown up with a celebrity crush is who I fancy and my kid’s reactions to it.  Just the other day we were watching Thor and I just blurted out, “Man, he’s pretty.”  I was talking about Chris Hemsworth and it totally offended my kid’s sensibilities.  “Don’t you love Daddy?”  “Is Daddy not good enough for you,” they blurted.   While I was highly amused by their level of loyalty to their Father, I was also struck by their abject horror at the idea of their mother having any sort of feelings for someone other than their Dad. You could just see the wheels turning in their heads. How can this be they seemed to be asking themselves.  And, while the muscle-bound yumminess of Chris Hemsworth is very nice, I also love the everyman like Tom Hanks.  Speaking of Tom, he is a true grown-up crush in every sense of the word. He’s not someone you want to ‘be with’ (insert eyebrow wag here). He is the kind of guy you want to have coffee with or walk on a beach holding hands with.  This is no illicit roll in the sheets. No, sir. This is normal everyday stuff. It’s funny what flips your switch in your middle age.

So, dear readers, how many of you have celebrity crushes? Who was your first crush?  Do your kids know? Are they horrified? I hope so. It’s kind of fun to shock the kids. I try to shock mine every chance I get. However, it will probably come back to bite me in the form of my kids ratting me out in public but it probably won’t be over a guy in a gold lamé speedo.

Photo Credit: Just some picture I lifted off the internet in a google search. No copyright infringement intended. I get no money off of this. I’m doing it for free. Blood/Turnip you know the drill.  I’m just sorry I couldn’t find a picture of him in a gold lamé speedo.

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Musing, Random

Closing Time

img_1217“I don’t wanna grow up. I’m a Toys R Us kid.”  I can still sing every word of the song even though I haven’t heard it in years.  I’d be willing to bet at least half of you can too and immediately started singing it in your head when you read that line.  According to news outlets, all Toys R Us stores close their doors today, Friday, June 29 2018.  If you go to the store’s website you’ll see the picture on your left.  When I was growing up, half of your Christmas or birthday presents came from Toys R Us. You always begged for a gift certificate or you just took the money you got in cards to the store and spent it  You would have sold a kidney for a real shopping spree.  The idea of being cut loose in that store for 10 minutes was the stuff of many daydreams. I know I had my fair share of items from Toys R Us.  My Cabbage Patch Kids came from Toys R Us and I still have them.  I still remember test driving my first grown-up bike down the aisles of  Toys R Us. My children’s baby furniture, stroller, and car seats came from their affiliate, Babies R Us.  While my kids have outgrown most toys, I still managed to go in a couple times a year.  It had become a tradition to walk the aisles and make a Christmas wish list now that lookbooks are pretty much a thing of the past. I’m not sure what we are going to do now. I guess we’ll walk the aisles of Walmart and Academy Sports.  I’m pretty sure those stores will survive the rest of my kid’s childhood but what about their kids?

I have said for years Amazon is nothing more than Sears was back at the turn of the last century.  It’s low cost, one-stop convenience shopping.  In 1918, one could order ready made clothes, toys, furnishings for your home and even the house itself from Sears.  It came complete with plans and materials shipped by railcar – assembly was up to you.  Today, Amazon is doing the same thing only instead of opening a catalog we open up an app. Low cost retailers like Walmart and Amazon have not only killed the mom and pop stores but also highly specialized stores like Toys R Us. And, we only have ourselves to blame.  We the consumer are so focused on low cost, more for our money and above all convenience that we have sold our souls to the lowest bidder.  We’ve all done it.  Show of hands, how many times have you been in a real store to find the item you are looking for is sold out or more expensive than you thought so you immediately look for it on Amazon or some other low cost retailer (cough Walmart)? I know I have.  And, stood there in the middle of the other store, using their free Wifi and ordered it from their competitor.  Yep, I’m guilty.  I’d wager a guess most of you are too.

While most in my age group are sad to see Toys R Us go, I doubt any of us will think much about it until Christmas comes around and we are scrambling for a toy. I’m curious to see what brick and mortar institution will be the next to fall. My money is on Sears and JC Penney.  They’re barely hanging on as it is.  Furthermore, I can’t help but wonder what’s next in the world of consumerism.  I have my doubts Amazon will be the retail superpower Sears was for 100 years.  In our fast-paced culture, I’ll give Amazon another 20 or 30 years tops before something bigger and better knocks it off the top of the heap. Forty or fifty years for a company started by some guy selling books out of his garage isn’t too shabby.

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Musing, Random, Rants

Breaking Up

img_1016I’m a lot of things but a quitter isn’t usually one of them.  I rarely broke up with anyone back in my dating years.  It took me forever to break up with Ikea.  I loved Ikea but Ikea didn’t love me back.  I adored all of the cheap, cool things with weird names. I didn’t mind you could get lost in the parking lot, nevermind the store itself.  I didn’t even mind putting everything together with that crazy little hex key wrench and cam locks.  Actually, I’m really good at it.  But, I had one too many instances of being stuck in the store trying to wrangle some impossibly heavy box only to come home and find a broken piece.  Then there was the whole return process.  After standing in line for 45 minutes I find out I can only get a replacement piece if they happen to have one in the back. Or, I would have to stand in another line to get a refund or I could just wait and just keep coming back in hopes they would have said piece because there is no way to order online and they won’t call you to let you know the piece is in.   It was after one of those instances I said, “Ikea, I’m breaking up with you. We are done.” And, I haven’t been back since.  Unfortunately, I fear another store is about to get the same treatment, Target.

I have to say my break up with Target has been a long time coming.  About five years ago they changed the cut of their Merona chino shorts. These were the best shorts ever. They fit so good and came in every color. They were just perfect. They were just the right length and didn’t ride up or do weird things – like I said perfect.  After the change, I was able to limp along with the ones I still had and found a few pairs at Goodwill.  So, that crisis was averted for a few years but alas all of my old pairs are worn out.  Now, I’m on the endless hunt for cute shorts that fit. Then came the whole gender and bathrooms thing. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less about who was in my bathroom all I ask is that you courtesy flush and don’t ask for a square.  When all that blew up I just wished my local Target would clean the bathroom and stock tissue. I even went as far as telling the service desk, “I don’t care who you let in the bathrooms just please stock toilet paper.”  The poor girl behind the counter looked thunderstruck.  Still, I gave Target a pass because they always had cute things. Let’s face it, Target rocks for Halloween and Christmas decorations. But, in the past few years, I just cannot get over the changes.  In trying to make themselves seem more edgy and hippy and distinguish themselves as different from other discount retailers (cough Walmart), Target has missed the mark.  Their store makeovers are horrible. You can’t find a thing. They’re laid out weird. They don’t even look like Target.  And, everyone knows all that remodeling means higher prices.

And, while we are at it lets discuss fashion. Target used to be my go-to for clothing and shoes. They had cute basics that were good quality for a fair price.  I never went into that store without buying something to wear.  Now, everything looks like grandma’s curtains. All those floral patterns, dusty pinks, and mustard yellows have me thinking it’s 1993.  Where are the acid washed jean overalls and tight rolled pants?  Honestly, who is in charge of buying?  It’s horrible. Okay, let’s play devil’s advocate and say this is the height of fashion and I’m just out of touch. That is entirely possible and plausible but nothing fits!!  I mean nothing.  Everything is ill-fitting and the fabric is paper thin.  I don’t know who Target is using as a clothing form but they must be some sort of mutant.  I know it’s not just me.  I have heard others say this too.  And, sizing, forget about it.  They are just suggestions.  My daughter and I went shopping a few weeks ago and came out with kids size large and ladies size medium all for her.  Those are two very different sizes. I went in today looking for basic solid t-shirts for myself and to check out the new Disney offerings.  The medium, large and extra large were all the same width but got longer as you went up a size. That is insane. The damn thing looked like a sausage casing no matter what size I tried on.  It just got longer. A medium should be smaller all over compared to a large or extra large not just longer.

So, I have just had it with you, Target.  It pains me to say it but Target run, we are SO done.  We are breaking up.  If you can get over your middle age crazy and find your way back to your old self I might take you back but as it stands now we are over.

P.S. – The photo credit goes to me. I snapped that picture in my Target’s parking lot. Looks nice, doesn’t it?  Don’t let it fool you. It’s a shit show in there.

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Random, Weird

Instant Boobs

IMG_0969.jpgI finally did it.  I took the plunge into the world of Youtube. A lurker no longer, I am now poster.  Lawd have mercy what have I done.  HA!  For those of you not in the friend loop, here’s the backstory.

My family and I were on an outing this weekend and found a Daiso store.  Located in California, Washington, and Texas, Daiso is essential a Japanese dollar store.  Everything at Diaso is priced between $1.50 to $3.00.  I have never seen anything more than $10.00.  You can literally find anything here – candy, underwear, a teapot, cute pens, you get the picture.  So, my 11 year old daughter and I are looking at the toys and party stuff and come across this – Instant Boobs.  Let me tell you it got awkward real quick.  We quickly left that aisle to find my other kid and husband but I could not stop thinking about these instant boobs. I was so intrigued I went back and bought my very own pair. And, since unboxings are all the rage on Youtube, I made my very own unboxing video.  In fact, this was my very first foray into producing Youtube content. So please, pay no attention to my lack of skills. I am, after all, over 40 have no business using technology.

In case you haven’t seen it and are interested, I’m linking the video here.

So now that you’ve seen the video you know what an epic fail these boogers were. Leave it to a kid to figure out how things work.  My daughter, who was equally as intrigued as I was, decided to figure out what was inside of these things and what it is made of. If you watched the video you’ll note I said it feels like there’s some packet inside, like the silica gel ones you find in shoes.  Guess what? I was half right.

22E96047-1CA1-4319-B955-6B4B6A15473AAs shown in the picture to the left, there is some weird packet inside. Upon further inspection of the item and reading the box, this packet is full of citric acid, baking soda, and water. Now why in the world there’s a packet of citric acid, baking soda and water inside is beyond me.  Someone with some knowledge of chemistry/science please chime in and enlighten us.  The outer portion is nothing but a balloon and they do indeed have a sticker on the base so you can put them on your body. But, as far as I can tell, much like real boobs, no about of squeezing will make these suckers bigger.

You know, I’m not sure what I expected for $1.50 but I can tell I have gotten more mileage out of this item than I ever expected.  I’m still laughing at the pictures on this package. I don’t know what’s funnier. The fact that the person on the package is a dude or that he’s wearing a tie around his head instead of around his neck or that he’s just so damn excited to have a pair of boobs of his own that he can squeeze to his heart’s delight.  It’s all just so hysterically funny.  What’s next? An inflatable penis so that women can write our names on a snow bank?  I’d pay $1.50 for that.

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Musing, Random

Music

pexels-photo-167092.jpegMusic is and has always been a driving force in my life.  I was fortunate enough to be born in and to have always lived in areas with a huge musical presence. Like a lot of people, I have a soundtrack of sorts in my head.  You can throw out a specific date, year, event, etc. and I can provide you with a song that fits the situation or mood I was in at that period of time.

Recently, I took my kids on a short 3 hour road trip.  During a portion of the trip, I banned all electronic devices and forced them to listen to songs from my online music library.  Incidentally, my music library is deep and would take days to listen to if you wanted to listen to every song without any repeats, but I digress.  During this musical indoctrination, I realized a few things.  Number one, I have severely neglected my kids’ musical education. Number two, while both of my kids have musical talent, only one child feels the music.  Number three, neither of my kids feel as passionately about music as I do.  And last, I realized that in the last 10 to 15 years there have been precious few artists/bands with true staying power.  I’m not saying there hasn’t been some fantastic music during this time, there has. But, we are not seeing very many bands and artists that are having careers that span the decades with many albums, tours, and music that evolves.  Where are the Madonna, U2 and Pink Floyd of the day? Where are the groundbreakers like Prince and Michael Jackson?  Where are the follow the band from town to town bands like Jimmy Buffet and Dave Matthews? Furthermore, what kind of iconic band shirts will Target be selling in 20 years? It’s kind of sad when you think about it.

So, after a few days of mulling over this strange musical phenomenon, I’ve decided I definitely need to take more mini road trips where I can force my children to listen to ‘good music’.  And, this is yet another wake-up call to remind me I am well and truly in the middle of middle age.  I mean the only thing I’m missing here is saying things like, “These kids have no idea what good music is.”

NOTE:  Y’all I opened a Twitter account for this page. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it.  I’m trying to branch out. You know be like Oprah and have a multi-media experience and all that jazz. So far I haven’t published a thing on it – not even a testing is this thing on. I’ll get there. It’s a work in progress. I have managed to follow 10 really awesome Disney vlogs/blogs.  Here is my link, https://twitter.com/haveityall.  Fun fact, I already have a follower, my cousin. And, I didn’t even tell him about it so thanks, cousin!

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Random

Working hard or hardly working

Spring Break is over in my area. After a week of having fun with the kids, it means getting back to work.  For me, that means feeling a lot like Lucy Ricardo trying to break into show business but in my case, it’s trying to find a job to fit my needs.  I’m updating my resume.  I’m exploring options with online task oriented websites as well as transcription.  Transcription is actually kind of interesting but it literally pays less than a dollar for an hour of work and you get stiff from sitting for hours on end.  I’m also looking at the temp world – more on that later.  Then, there’s this blog.  Y’all, I’m determined to make this sucker work.  I mean have you read Buzzfeed lately? I put out better quality than that crap.  Not to mention some of the other crapola circulating out there on the web.  Holy moly, the other day I was reading the New York Times online and the mistakes just blew me away.  I was looking for my red pen.  I legit wanted to email someone and say, ‘are you kidding with all these mistakes?’  I’m just going off of 11th grade grammar and the Grammarly app and I know that shit is wrong.

But, back to the blog, I’m making a few changes. Very soon I will have a legit looking web page address and possibly a new layout. I need something cute but not distracting. I’m having a hard time with that. This is where a background in web design would be nice, not 15-year-old outdated graphic design skills.

Now, on to temp work.  I have a lot of experience with this.  When the Hubs and I moved around more (before kids), I usually ended up working for a temporary employment agency while looking for a job in my field.  This worked out well as it gave me a relatively steady stream of income and could provide leads to a job in my field.  The only drawback was some of the places I worked for.  You know there was a reason some of these places couldn’t keep employees.  I remember one place, in particular, I was told not to use any perfume as the owner was highly allergic. I used hand lotion before I left the house. It was not strong. I don’t even remember it having a real scent and one would think 30 minutes in the car would dissipate any smell, right? Wrong.  I actually had the human resources lady greet me in the hall, sniff me and tell me to wash off whatever scent I was wearing.  Let me tell you, you’ve never lived till you’ve had a grown woman sniff you like a bloodhound.  Then there was the time I worked for an oil and mineral exploration company.  It was a small company of about 10 men and zero women. I was instructed to come in for a little meet and greet at lunchtime when the office was closed.  This meeting was supposed to ensure I was a good fit.  When I arrived, I was greeted by the owner who happened to be shirtless and sweaty. It seems he was working out in his office. This was the only place of business I’ve ever worked that had an actual ladies wearing swimsuit calendar in the breakroom. Everyone there was very nice and otherwise professional but I can’t help but wonder how they weren’t drowning in sexual harassment lawsuits. Now that I’m signing up for temp work again I can’t help but wonder what kind of ridiculousness I will encounter this time around.  I’m hoping for something really outrageous like trannies and face tattoos or maybe just calendars featuring girls in swimsuits.

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